I’ve been really low recently. As usual I cannot pin point the source. It just feels like I’m drowning and all I want to do is stop fighting it and let go. The nightmares are consuming my sleep, always about people around me or my past, always vivid, about my mistakes. I cannot rid them from my head.
Just over a week ago I was hysterical and my husband said we should maybe go to emerge and get me looked after. I just wanted to give in. I’ve realized I have been scratching my arm without realizing it- something I haven’t done in a long time.
I can fake my feelings around people but it’s really starting to swallow me up again. I just want to be be gone, it’s hard to explain sometimes to people who do not understand how low, low can really be.
Add to this the fact that I have an increasingly shorter fuse. I don’t know what to do. My therapist quit her job at the start of August so I haven’t had anyone to talk to since then. My psychiatrist does not count- I hate her, she is ALWAYS running at least 30 minutes late for sessions- often 40 recently. She is never apologetic and rarely has anyone in before me. If she had someone in before me who needed help I would understand- but she doesn’t. Safe to say I don’t feel I can talk to her. I have the 24 hour hot line saved to my phone as a back up. It took me so long to find a therapist I could communicate with and now that she is gone I cannot picture even talking to someone else so openly.
I have no idea what to do, do I wait it out and hope the feelings don’t swallow me up, the last time I came close to suicide was in June and I was in a bad place. I feel like that again. I know I need help, but sometimes everything feel like such an effort and so hard to even want to try and get it. All I want at present is to give up, give myself up to the drowning.